Time really past by

SOOO I basically slept through October and some November. HAD BAD reaction to crestor a clorestol med. It imobilized me, severe pain, couldnt breathe etc etc. It was forever up until T-day. We did have T-day after all I didnt know if we were. I was in bad shape. Mentally, physically, and sick. JessaMarie got sick again then Tom. MY gosh what is goin on here.

Thanksgiving came and gone. Tom brought up our x-mas stuff. I was feeling sooo much better, Had tons of energy, my moods are way better(increase in lithium) I was cleaning and cleaning and getting caught up. I have been really doing well so far.

December now. WOW this really has been...we have no money, we have 2 daughters b-days and holidays this month. I feel realllllllly bad for them because JessaMArie will be 16 and I cant do anyting great for her like I ALWAYS use to. I feel like a failure party mom :(. We did take her to ice-cream place and the mall to the book store. We hade a good time as a family for ONCE!! Now MiKaila will be 10 yet another big b-day I am not going to be able to anything like I have in the past. DAMN IT!!! No big party, no friends, nothing. She wants her ears pierce. Wellll that she got at the mall. LOL She wanted to get them for her b-day but just couldnt wait. She did great. They are awesome. So No for Christmas we have only small little things. MiKaila picked out all her own stuff over the months so they are put up. I'm just glad my kids are great and understand when time are tough. P.s. they do get things through out the year so its not about the gifts so much. I jsutwanted something BIG but I couldnt deliever. Oh well times are tough we are really struggling to make things works all around.

OH YESSSS I forgot Our METALLICA concert came on the 8th of Dec. HAD A blast...sober even. Ya me. I love those guys they saved me and got m ethrough tough teenage times. When the tough get going turn on Metallica!!!

Life really sucks

Tom and I got into a huge fight again. I just cant keep my mouth shut, he cant learn to listen. I am so sick of myself. I regret my mom being my mom because I see some of my actions are what she use to do and I know they are not okay. But how do I stop them? I have been sad and severly depressed since our big fight I feel so little. I am a failure as a mom and wife. The homeschooling thing is tought right now because I am such a slacker. 9DD is defiant and wants to paly around all day. Even when she was in a physical school she did too. I am at a loss for her I have had anxiety for a week now I feel like I am suffocating. Its ahrd for me to breath. My favorite time of the year and it is becoming hard to like because of all this stress. DH and I arent really speaking much. He hurt me in some ords and he said he caries scars from being with me I want to cry now by thinking about it. He says I dont cook, clean or anything anymore, I never really did that much in the first place. He feels like I am using him for his support LOL>HE WAS BROKE when I met him and we both were losers then. He's says I rather sit at home make him work. He claims I NEVER WORKED!!! That is BS because I have worked since I was 15.5 to support myself. I work and went to school when I was while pregnant both times. I havent worked since 2003 because of issues with older dd and myself. Things got better but then my issues started in. He even said things were better when I am at home one time, He is always going back and forth. NOW WE have no money for me to go to school or work. GAS is high, we live far away, I have no skills, the kids, Etc etc. I am so fucking sick in the head, stomach and heart over all of this. If I speak my tone or words are wrong, if I am quiet then I am looking for attention or being a bitch....I want to just give up. He thinks I dont want to be with him anymore when reality is him...he doesnt want to do this. He says he wants to pack his bags. He asked me where would you go...I said I had lots of places. Ya I dont have money. Sometimes I wish I was working and other times I am glad I'm not. I have so many issues that is makes me sick. I dont think I am capable of working right now. I do feeli guilty all the time not being able to help more or do the house stuff. I jsut wish I was better. I a mtired of crying and thinking. Oh and he said I'll i'm good at is sitting on facebook getting fat. That hurt alot, I didnt have FB whne I starting gaing wait you fucking moron. Yes I yelled that back. I am so fed up. Then the homeschool teacher is strongly feeling like miKaila shouldnt be HSed. what ever. Then she is reading into my feeling s more that whatis there. Im sorry but she has no right to tell me that she wont switch M to another math. SHE DOESNT GET THIS method. DUHHH I bit my tongue I dont want fights alright with this Home program. Fuck I am sooo pist. I cuss If I am angry or frustrated. I really hate myself and things LIFE right now.

p3 missed med dosage, sick 15dd etc

Hubby has day off, 9dd had field trip to pumpkin patch. I am still recovering from the worst medication with drawl ever. My DR warned me, I didnt think it would happen. Well my night ws a bit better, less severe wacky dreams. 3am 15dd wakes me and says she has been a woke for hours and her lungs burn and she feels like coughing but cant. I am foggy groggy and said well what about your inhaler she said she took it. Okay I said well I think you might have to go to UCare tomorrow. Hubby starts in take this take that etc etc. I didnt want her to if she has bronchitis or pneomia.

7am---she is still sleeping, I feel like crap still. I stayed in bed for about an hour. Counting down to next dose. SLowly we get up. Got 9dd up so they can go. I had this strange feeling getting the directions they would get lost. I am laying in bed and at 11 am they were back OMG.. they followed the direction and were there but because hubby didnt want to ask the same name restaurant where the farm was.Oh well poor kid did get a pumpkin. So we argued a bit. I layed in bed until I got in the shower my head still dizzy but no other things. Took 15dd to urgent care. SHE doesnt have either thing or flu. BUT is in the beginning of possible bronchitis. We had to do a couple of errands get her OTC meds for now. Poor girl. I took my meds. Now its 7pm ahh I am feeling better but not 100%. Tomorrow I will be back on track, I will never go through this again EVER. Rite-aid ordered 3xs for me YES.

p2 missed med dosages

Day 2 Thursday----OH MY GOSh. the dreams of an insane person.. I have been to the Dominion of Republic in Florida trying to call home after friends stole things and were trying to get me caught, I have seen dead things, things after me. Weird animal things, dirt derbies with people from my past showing up. I have traveled and some weird adventures. I tried to fall asleep Wednesday night and for hours I shivered, I cried for helped , yelled in a whisper my husbands name to save me, I fought the dark side images, I had panic attacks where I stopped breathing it seemed. Oh and sweating and freezing, dehydration but that's my fault. I felt like I was coming down off street drugs. Stomach pains from hell. From going to the bathroom. I dont know if I was hungry most the time. Well my 15dd was late to school, she was late getting up and me tooo. I dropped her off came home went to bed, slept had more strange dreams. I was a "cougar" seeing 2 men that did work for me in my weed infested field. LOL hmm that might not be so strange after all...but i was skinny Always skinny in my dreams. I seen huuuuuge bones like dinos. on a cliff, they were fresh., then dreamt that my medicine wast ready so they created a liquid form for 2 dosage I can drink. WOW I am sooo losing it. I woke up called the store at 12:30 and it was ready. Went down got it took it, came home rested until I had to get 15dd from bus stop. Still feeling icky blurry etc. rested some more, my sides ache bad. Watched my shows and went to bed at 10pm.

p1 homeschool and missed med dosages

Okay So I take Effexor XR, and Lithium. EXR for depression, some anxiety, some A.D.D. attention deficit disorder. and whatever else. Well They finally came out with a new generic. Instead of taking 1-75mg and 1-150 to + full strength I NOW Can take 1 tablet a day. YEs and cheaper co-pay. Well My Rite-Aid hasnt got many on this generic so they have to order ahead of time, I FOUND OUT.

I notice on Monday 9-29-09 that I am on last dose. I figure well I can last one night Tuesday and part Wednesday morning. I know my head will be a bit fuzzy but I will get meds about 1pm-ish on Wed. since thats THE ONLY TIME I will be in town. Well We have to meet 9dd Homeschool teacher at 12pm before on-site lunch and class time. Well MiKaila decides to start shutting down, act up or out whatever. She doesnt want to go to grammar. Well things got in the way and we were 20min late. I am feeling icky, 9DD puts her smiling act on, we talked with Teacher and M is okay until she goes to see her friend at lunch. Teacher and I start talking about how she seems like she doesnt want to work. etc etc. Well I said normal she is very social, laughable etc. I said she has been acting like this for a yr or so. Of course teacher said I notice how she sits slumped in the chair, I said Well her Psychiatrist is working on this with her, ADHD, moods etc. She..Nancy said well things only work if everybody want to do it. Well no flippin ass kidding. M walks over happy and bubbly and said would it be okay if I go to recess for a bit...I said well you wanted to talk about your 2 class does this mean your going? I told nancy that she thinks its boring and she doesnt want to go anymore. ONE day a week this kid uHHH. Anyway, she M said no. SO I said well MiKaila If you dont go to classes Im not letting you go to recess. She has folded arms, looking down at the ground with that spoiled brat face. Nancy said well we all have things we dont like to do blah blah....We already discussed she needs to do more work at home etc. So now she says this is whats nice of homeschool, its less but you still ahve to do it. HS is a privilege. That regular schools would make more problems if you dont do the work etc etc. Things I already talk to her about. Nancy said well If this isnt for you guys then you will be asked to leave the program. I would hate that. Well are you going to go to class because if you miss too many they will kick you out. MIKAILA Shook her head NO. I FELL my heart fall to my toes as I sit there in disbelief she just told the teacher NO. MY FACE dropped. The teacher then said well if this is how it will be ...(I dont want to step on toes...but M will end up out of the program. SOOOOO HOW THE BLANK does a 9yr old get kicked out of homeschool OH my gosh..Well so we finished and We leave. I DIDNT speak to her for the rest of my errands. We were in Target and ran into a mom from HS program w/her 5 kids....We talked for along time she said that grammar is like classroom. She said she can always have her kids help teach/tutor. they live by us. We exchanged numbers.

NOW Rite-aid 1pm I turn in my refill bottle and guess what......YES THEY HAVE TO ORDER. I said I already missed one oh MAN...She said not until tomorrow THUR. after 12noon. Here I am in the parking lot hyperventilating, crying, and Pissed. 2 days missed and 9dd is on the verge of getting kicked out of hs. uhh

pick up 15dd from school....She says she has a paper for me to sign. I already did but now its another because the other wasnt the one with all the sig froms teachers for the field trip. I lost it I FLOORED the gas, turned the radio sooooo loud, I drove crazy, then stopped. My head is sooo dizzy, my eyes make noises when they move, My head feels like it is attached, my stomach is feeling sick. We get home and things mellow for a bit. all of a sudden MIKAILA wants to do work. oh this is great. I am trying to do dinner even though I feel bad. 15dd helped her. That night I am really getting sick, diarrhea. I went to bed a bit early.

Homeschool issue and Why not to miss dosages.

Okay So I take Effexor XR, and Lithium. EXR for depression, some anxiety, some A.D.D. attention defficet disorder. and whatever else. Well They finally came out with a new generic. Instead of taking 1-75mg and 1-150 to + full strength I NOW Can take 1 tablet a day. YEs and cheaper co-pay. Well My Rite-Aid hasnt got many on this generic so they have to order ahead of time, I FOUND OUT.

I notice on Monday 9-29-09 that I am on last dose. I figure well I can last one night Tuesday and part Wednesday morning. I know my head will be a bit fuzzy but I will get meds about 1pm-ish on Wed. since thats THE ONLY TIME I will be in town. Well We have to meet 9dd Homeschool teacher at 12pm before on-site lunch and class time. Well MiKaila decides to start shutting down, act up or out whatever. She doesnt want to go to grammar. Well things got in the way and we were 20min late. I am feeling icky, 9DD puts her smiling act on, we talked with Teacher and M is okay until she goes to see her friend at lunch. Teacher and I start talking about how she seems like she doesnt want to work. etc etc. Well I said normal she is very social, laughable etc. I said she has been acting like this for a yr or so. Of course teacher said I notice how she sits slumped in the chair, I said Well her Psychiatrist is working on this with her, ADHD, moods etc. She..Nancy said well things only work if everybody want to do it. Well no flippin ass kidding. M walks over happy and bubbly and said would it be okay if I go to recess for a bit...I said well you wanted to talk about your 2 class does this mean your going? I told nancy that she thinks its boring and she doesnt want to go anymore. ONE day a week this kid uHHH. Anyway, she M said no. SO I said well MiKaila If you dont go to classes Im not letting you go to recess. She has folded arms, looking down at the ground with that spoiled brat face. Nancy said well we all have thing swe dont like to do blah blah....We already discussed she needs to do more work at home etc. So now she says this is whats nice of homeschool, its less but you still ahve to do it. HS is a privilage. That regualr schools would make more problems if you dont do the work etc etc. Things I already talk to her about. Nancy said well If this isnt for you guys then you will be asked to leave the program. I would hate that. Well are you going to go to class because if you miss too many they will kick you out. MIKAILA ShOOK her head NO. I FELL my heart fall to my toes as I sit there in disbelief she just told the teacher NO. MY FACE dropped. The teacher then said well if this is how it will be ...(I dont want to step on toes...but M will end up out of the program. SOOOOO HOW THE BLANK does a 9yr old gett kicked out of homeschool OH my gosh..Well so we finished and We leave. I DIDNT speak to her for the reast of my errands. We were in Target and ran into a mom from HS program w/her 5 kids....We talked for along time she said that grammar is like classroom. She said she can always have her kids help teach/tutor. they live by us. We exchanged numbers.

NOW Rite-aid 1pm I turn in my refill bottle and guess what......YES THEY HAVE TO ORDER. I said I already missed one oh MAN...She said not until tomorrow THUR. after 12noon. Here I am in the parking lot hypervinalating, crying, and PISSEd. 2 days missed and 9dd is on the verge of getting kicked out of hs. uhh

pick up 15dd from school....She says she has a paper for me to sign. I already did but now its another because the other wasnt the one with all the sig froms teachers for the field trip. I lost it I FLOORED the gas, turned the radio sooooo loud, I drove crazy, then stopped. My head is sooo dizzy, my eyes make noises when they move, My head feels like it is attached, my stomach is feeling sick. We get home and things mellow for a bit. all of a sudden MIKAILA wants to do work. oh this is great. I am trying to do dinner even though I feel bad. 15dd helped her. That night I am really getting sick, diarrea. I went to bed a bit early.

Day 2 Thursday----OH MY GOSh. the dreams of an insane person.. I have been to the Dominion of Republic in Florida trying to call home after friends stole things and were trying to get me caught, I have seen dead things, things after me. Weird animal things, dirt derbies with people from my past showing up. I have traveled and some weird adventures. I tried to fall asleep Wednesday night and for hours I shivered, I cried for helped , yelled in a whisper my husbands name to save me, I fought the dark side images, I had panic attacks where I stopped breathing it seemed. Oh and sweating and freezing, dehydration but that's my fault. I felt like I was coming down off street drugs. Stomach pains from hell. From going to the bathroom. I dont know if I was hungry most the time. Well my 15dd was late to school, she was late getting up and me tooo. I dropped her off came home went to bed, slept had more strange dreams. I was a "cougar" seeing 2 men that did work for me in my weed infested field. LOL hmm that might not be so strange after all...but i was skinny Always skinny in my dreams. I seen huuuuuge bones like dinos. on a cliff, they were fresh., then dreamt that my medicine wast ready so they created a liquid form for 2 dosage I can drink. WOW I am sooo losing it. I woke up called the store at 12:30 and it was ready. Went down got it took it, came home rested until I had to get 15dd from bus stop. Still feeling icky blurry etc. rested some more, my sides ache bad. Watched my shows and went to bed at 10pm.

-/+ and +/- of Teri

As I was outside checking to see what the dogs were trying to get....I see the sand move and hear ripping noise...I figured its a Mole...I grab a rock and wait. Sure enough it progesses to move. I Slam the rock in to the hole again and gain. Take another and dig, slam, dig, slam until I see this pulsating fur....OH yuck so I slam, slam, slam Yep its dead, I dig it up and poor little fella with HUGE feet....SO I call MiKaila out and we both feel bad for yelling at the dogs. We thought they were doing some trouble..Well As I bag it up I though ya know...Here I am:

A homeschooling, putting up with bullshit, rattlsnake, mole, mouse killing MOM. I Have a hubby who we have a love/hate- hate to love relationship, I put up with his mom's crying how come I dont send pictures shit, even though I dont talk to her...feels great but its Tom that relays messages to. I've been abandoned by many people in my life but I keep on going. I have been talked about, talked down to, pushed around, made fun of, laughed at, laughed with, yelled at, I yelled too, Misjudged, complimented, competed against but not for, been abused in all ways, I may have verbally or emotionally abused my oldest when we were younger because of my upbringing not knowing it at the time But learned before it was too late. I Have ADHD/Bipolar/depression. I Knows Bipolar and ADHD, depressive people. I get misunderstood whne speaking about thes issies and what I stand for. I love listening amd helping others regardless. Some people turn to me, I try to turn to some peopl and I am too much for them to handle. I get frustrated and stressed easily, others who dont cant understand it. Just because I may be loud at times doesnt mean one should hate me. When I was growing up I was told to shut up all the time, dont speak unless spoken too, then in school or with others I was told Im to quiet and speak up, I guess I learned to be to be loud to be heard. I learned that sometimes I need to bite my tongue. I am still learning that. I cry over things others wouldnt and sometimes I dont cry at all. When I cried growing up It was okay but only for a certain amount of time is seemed. I was a crying baby. Poor Teri..that was my name. You never get your way. Sometimes I cry now because things dont go right or as I planned. Well I am still working on that but I dont need people telling its life because I do know that. I am smart and dumb at the same time. I am love and hate, I am a mom and friend, I am wife NOT YOUR MOM so dont call me that when I am trying to run a household, sometimes the traits can be the same. Was I shy YES and I now? Somewhat but I can talk the talk anytime. I am not like before, I am seeing things better. Not perfect but better off than before. I wish I can change things in my life but overall I think I am doing good considering. I am not where I wanted to be at this stage of like but I do think I am where I should be in my KIDS's lives. Husband's life well I could be better. I am sick severally with a sinus, dizzy, head infection and I am still writing this. I fight things...I dont give in unless I feel I absolutely have to. No I am not hyped on meds right now LOL. I just fel I need to get thins out. I got treated in a way today I felt has hurt me I am confused at my 9dd' Homeschool PArent Ed. classes today a mom of MiKails'a friend. We met last year hit it off, have lots in common except for she's in her late 50's they adopted Jackie 9yrs ago. Joann is Bipolor extreme, doesnt take meds for it and she is one of those semi-organic people which isnt my cup of tea but that doesnt bother me. We both seen our 9dds struggle in their last school so we decided on this program. I being homeschooling mom before, she wasnt. I told her her I would help and we can do it together sometime.Well for the last a couple of times of Summer MiKaila couldnt do play dates because of sickness etc. This lady hates hearing about this stuff and dram or whatever problems happened. I have listend to hers many times. So now she avoids me. I already decided not to talk so much. TODAY.....I found out her 9dd is having problems and I mentioned she should call me and maybe if the girls can get together one day a week ...WELL she looked at me with this look like "DO I KNOW YOU", she looked down and just shuffled papers and then the teacher walked in. The other 2 people in the room were sitting there. Before she had no problems calling to talk about things or take the girls. So I am somewhat wondering WTF and on the other hand oh well her lose. the girls still see each other and stuff and thats whats important. DO I read into things more that whats there? Sometimes. In this case I am baffled....she is bipolar. Life is so confusing and I struggle everyday with depression and all this crap while on meds even LOL. I am Full of anxiety lately. My 35 b-day is next Wednesday I REALLLY am scared. I hated turning 30. I hate being overweight but I need the meds, I hate feeling unattractive even though I 'm married. I dont like my being shown no matter what. For the last year my convidence went way down more than ever. The last few years has been challengeing. I guess thats the way it goes. I dont like people feeling sorry for me but I do want to be acknowledged. Doesnt everyone? I am one who says i dont care but truth is sometimes I do care. Depends on what it is I guess. I can go on for chapters. But I have to get ready to get 15DD fron the bus stop. If anybody reads this OH MY GOSH Im not sorry...LOL LOL thanks Teri

Living life and hating it.

SO lets see SO We get the mail from our tenants, rent check and 30day notice. They bought a house and are moving. SO we are not going to rent it out, cant sell out right either. We are going to try to short sale it. Tom is flipping, plus he just got another pay cut, then I found out our homeowners insurance was cancelled ALL IN THE SAME TIME FRAME. I got the insurance taken care of. Now for the other stuff. YIKES

Last night Tom and I started fighting, first he gets home and freaks out no dinner, I was on phone to my mom returning her call and looking at emails. He is complaining about him making his own dinner. Then I hear him yelling about I should get a job now since I dont do anything and that I slept all day. LOL FUNNNNNYYYY I was downtown all day at MiKaila's school site getting her homeschool stuff for 2hrs then went in to the store. Fuck him. He has no idea. So the phone rings and it's his brother who Tom calls when he is soooo mad at me....so that's my payback. So they talk and he gets off and says a couple of things, then says something about fishing I said if he has trouble thinking with his brain legions then how could he drive? Well then Tom said I think it would be nice to have all the kids here I said all what kids their 2 kids? Is all? Well I said something else next thing you know he says I am hater and I hate his family I said you dont even know what your are talking about that not true. Your mom is the one who broke us all about and put a wedge that couldnt be changed he got mad, then he said other stuff we got on to how I dont do anything and that I have changed which is funny because he says I havent changed most of the time HE IS SOOO confused. I said you dont seem to listen when I tell you stuff, I have been a depressive person all my life and abandoned by people my mom your mom etc etc my dad is dying etc, HE SAID that's because I PUSH PEOPLE AWAY, it drives me crazy and I told him like the first full year we lived here we had the girls home, helping I cleaned we had Jim over for dinners etc then I started slipping more, kairlona died(he rolled his eyes ohhh pleasssee) that pissed me off, then I started lithium and that has really settled me and thoughts, I am tired, over weight, stress, kids return to school, I was home alone all day with the animals, etc etc he yell WHAT THE FUCK do you have to be stressed about... oh I have to take the kids to school ooo the dogs oooh. He basically put me down. I said ya know what it's shit like that... that put me under on top of daily stuff. SO then he brings up how I never do anything or go anywhere with him...I said oh thats funny because WE have no money you say everything cost too much. I said we have kids too whe the fuck are "WE" suppose to do? Al you do is fish and I let you do with issues, What do I do NOTHING!!! I cant even do my scrapbooking because I am depressed or I have to clean clean and cook. He said I work full time, maybe you should go to work. I homeschool, now plus you complain about how much it isnt worth for me to drive to town. WHAT job would I get hired to do anyway? We use to do lots before kids and no or low money. Then when oldest came we still did some things after 2nd came we owned a home and car payments etc and now he has no time, bills and not much money, I am fat, hate myself, no energy, and is a house mouse. He says he just cant see ourselves continuing like this....oh and I bet because I have no desire for him. I have always been like that it does come and go sometimes, I was molested when I was little and that carries with you he knows that but doesnt care or understand. Well we ramble on blaming each other for everything. He says dont tell me you care because I look around and I see nothing done, no dinner and you are on the computer. I said ya I dont care sometimes. It drives me nuts to clean up and have people disrespect the stuff I did and then I have to it over. (my body aches and I tire easily) But that is nothig compared to what he does yes I do agree but still It is a valid issue for me. So he too that he tried to see if we could go to Marine world one weekend and I said I would love to but MiKaila just started that cleansing treatment from the GI specialist. SOOO of course he brings up that I said no...he thinks that was it. WTF So we argued about him not hearing all conversations. I said I know your ADD mind...HE GOT PISSED see you like to have everybody on pills blah blah...I continued on about that weekend, he still doesnt even get it or cae. So he walked away. I sat there crying a bit I move to livingroom and was crying an sais I sdont even get validation....HE appears stand there and asked will you ever be happy?? I ignore him because the kids came out to intevene in their sneaking way. FUCK NO I wont, it's not that I dont wantto it's that I cant it seems. Oh and one point he said do you think you'd be happier on your own cause I dont hink so...what would you be doin like he is GOD,,,I said THE SAME you moron, I would be taking care the kids and whatever come my way, obviously I'd still be miserable. UHHHHHHHHHHHHHH He makes me so mad and sad and frustrated. I told him If I got of the pills I WOULD kill myself because before them I was having thoughts and irrationa behaviors. Not that they made me perfect now but it has curbed my before stuff. I still can smile, laugh and be fun. I'm not a zombie but I just dont have self confidence never have probably never will. Thanks to my MOM for that. I am tired of not being validated for the things I Do. I know my weaknesses and I know my strengths.

uhhh

So things havent been going to well. I am finding myself more worn down and I havent even dont anything. It's mentally I think. I sick of hearing about all these problems from people and I am tired of dealing with mine. I am worried about my Dad I at so sickened by his ways. Yesterday was my moms b-day and My brother has been out there for about 1 week now so I told my girls is was her b-day and I will call her later in the evening(LA) time. Well I assumed shed be busy with Robert, well later in the afternoon JessaMarie was on the phone, then Tom got on the phone, then JessaMarie again, then we left to get her friend it was 8:30p.m....It dawned on me while driving that I didnt get to call so I said oh well I'll call tomorrow. SOOoooooo this morning as soon as I woke up I called her and I said well I wanted to call and say Happy B-day I figured you were busy yesterday so I didnt call....SHE SAID, ya my b-day was yesterday but that's okay thanks...So I got mad and said I JUST SAID.....I KNEW IT WAS BUT FIGURED YOU WERE BUSY.. she said well I always have my cell phone..I said Oh oh well. Then she asked how things were etc etc proceeds to talk about all her fun exciting day and thing they have done. I said ya Dad told me(lol) well she said when did you talk to him I said hmm last night..no Thursday repeat repeat so she knows it was Thur. She add she would like to have pictures of her granddaughters I said well I dont know when. She is started to sound like Barbara WHAT entitles these women to think that earned pictures??? If they left us on a good note maybe but since they up and left the way they did Fuck that. If I ever do this to my kids I told them to have me committed. So Tom took my girls and Jess's friend to the library, I cleaned the kitchen when the phone rang and it was my Dad calling to ask if I knew who was playing tonight at the concert in my area? I thought it was strange so I couldnt recall I told him, the he said a friend was going and they didnt know so I said where are you? Carmichael! yep I knew it he's partying. I can hear his voice, I figured. What pisses me off is that he can drive all the way there and phone all these people but he never can call me or visit me. He is dying for crying out lOUD literally and he wont stop drinking, he stopped me. I hate this crap. Oh and My grandparents place is in escrow which adds more salt to my big gapping wound, just the thought knowing that somebody else will having their name on that home saddens me more. This is so out of control. Oh and Tom adds more layers when he adds his issues about me on, then his work worries I frankly cant take it anymore I am wondering how I am still breathing. I guess this is why I am always tired and lazy this last year. This Lithium does make me cope but I am tired. I hate being low energy. Well On the good side my friend Darbie had her baby girl on 7-28-09 she was due 8-24-09 or something But she now has a daughter and 2 sons. SO adorable. I miss her much wish I could go visit but nooo Tom will freak out. the money, etc etc. She's 8hr away or so in Oregon.

My Dad, etc.

Okay so he finally called me a couple of days ago. He is down and out, sitting on Lake Tahoe's Beach, he decided to call. He claims he forgets and he is wondering about ALZ. Well he tells me his headaches are back with him throwing up bile and he doesnt understands it. Well I said for all the years you put your body through all the crap this will take affect on your memory, headaches ext. he said he knows. I said well so have you been going to the DR etc, yes. SO I said we ya know what pisses me off is that mom calls up and asks if I had talk to you I say no not in a while, so she said oh well I guess the Dr thinks he only has 1-2 yr left and he's still drinking, WELL I ALREADY KNOW THIS how because I do. So I told him it is non of her business to call me up the way she did and tell me because if you dont want me to know what I already figure then fine. He says no babydoll that isnt it, I said Dad if you are ashamed or afraid to talk to me, dont be I can take it. I SERIOUSLY HATE when people dont tell me things it makes me more angry than anything, anyway He said well Dr say that with liver so gone advanced stages that I could go today tomorrow etc. I said I know they told you that when I was younger too. So basically it depends on how you live that counts. So then he tells me that he has been doing lot of thinking about things and one thing was marry Rexie so when he goes she can gets his SSI. THIS FUCKIN PISSES ME OFF because that fucking stupid bitch does deserve a damn thing she IS HIS ENABLER, SHE has caused lot of grief when I was growing up. She is nothing to me ever.I view her like a fly on poop. No she's worse even. Well anyway all I'm thinking at this time was great so all my DAD's belongings and my grandparents things she will sell for her addiction or give my families stuff to her SON. I love my DAD sooooo much and I know when he goes this will kill me too. I told him DAD when you dont call, I assume everything because I know how you are, I think back and wonder what more could I have done to stop you, help you. We tried. I kept talking because I didnt want him to talk, but He said sis I didnt call to start things but I had been thinking of you and wanted to return your call. I said Well I'm glad. We talked about Robert going to LA to see mom, I said I really dont want him to that incestual infested sick of place family calls home yuck. Dad doesnt want him to either. But we cant stop him. So I think that is about it for Dad. Now onto.........

Barbara, a couple weeks ago her husband WE NEVER MET died, so Rick Tom's Brother called to tell us because she didnt want to, She actually is mad at Tom for not having time to talk to her when he had to go to bed early onetime, she's held a grudge since. Well so She did call maybe 4-5days later an left a message saying he died. I Told Tom he should her and get it over with, he moaned but did and during the conversation she said Teri should be happy, he said why do you say that? Because Clint died, she hates me thats why. Tom said I would go that far I dont think thats something she would feel. How would that affect her? SO he tells me this and I about wanted to fall off the chai I coulndt believe my ears. I said I would never think that that is nuts, I said well if she truly thinks that she is more nuts that help can provide. That is awful. SO I had been disturbed for a bit by this. I hate death so why would I think that? Oh well she is bored and angrier and has always made things like this up, her witchcraft days of 10 folds to me bounced back to her instead. I try no to worry.

Worried and wondering

Okay I am worried about my Dad as usual, he wont call me or anything. If I call he wont answer or the person of his will say he's busy ore excuse after excuse. I know he is real sick and he doesn't want me to know how bad. I know he has gotten worse and I know he wont stop that f****** drinking. Ya it;s mild but a drink is a drink now matter what. My mom called an asked me if I talked to him I said no not in awhile, She said oh then she said well the Dr said he's has maybe 1-2yr, and of course he's still drinking....WELL THE F.... She didn't need to tell me the way she did, nor is it her business, if Dad wanted me to know more info he'd tell me. He's great at covering things up, he's great at not wanting me to know because he doesn't want me to worry and MOSTLY He IS ASHAMED, he feels like he let us down and especially me. Well I know my brother is getting annoyed with him too he doesn't answer the phone and my brother knows why too. I just dont know why people feel the need to kill themselves, suffer slowly. I really WISH MY MOM WOULDNT HAVE CALLED. Now he is all that is on my mind. I wasnt to cry, yell, be anger but I just cant.


OKAY NOW.......Here's a fella that is in need of some love and I cant give more than what we have done. His name is Timon, he showed up 7-2-09 and stayed ever since. He was sickly skinny, bones protruding out. NOT neautred. We bought him a cheap bag of food. Our other cat Prescious doen not like him, she was a lost kitty too almost 2yrs ago. She was a different story. Timon I think was dropped off or something. Well he is adorable, lap cat, loving. We cant afford another vet bil. He is an outdoor cat for sure.

SAD

I am completely overwhelmed with sadness. 2 in one day Farrah Fawcett and Michael Jackson, earlier this week Ed McMahon. I am so torn, confused. I dont like death, I hate it bad. These Were GREAT icons I grew up with, knew of etc. I am also sad that today I decided to move Kairlona's cage out of my room. She past away Aug 2008, I havent had the heart or courage to take it down or out. I picked up her food and got sad and teary eyed. I had to stop then I pulled myself together and got it out. cleaned up all the dust and poop under the cage. I woke up feeling icky maybe I knew this day was sad. I cant get over it, I cant believe it. I wasnt a huge fan of MJ but I feel almost as sad as I did when Princess Diana died. In the 80's my cousin and I use to listen to him over and over, I loved THRILLER. Brings back lots of stuff. It is so weird to know he is gone now. Death is horrible. Just as I am trying to get over a year of depression, This hits and affects me a bit, wow I dont feel well now. The good thing...My Grandparents are now visited by Ed Mcmahon they liked him. HEEEEEEEEEREEES Johnnyyyy.

UHHHH 2 months in a row now that has sucked out more happiness, the little I did have.

Day after

our boring anniversary. we have been together since 1991 June 15. We got married June 15 1997. It has been pure.............................................................ROLLERCOASTER RIDE. I am surprised that this ride hasnt been shut done yet. I seriously dont understand it. But hey maybe I'm not suppose to?

Tough times past for now

Okay May came and gone. So glad that it did. I hate May it always so tough. It gets very busy too.

Remembering my grandparents on this Memorial Day. My Grandpa served our country. He was very brave. But today brings another day to reconize. On this day 2004 my Grandma Stout Was put in the ground to make a home for my Grandpa to join her in the skies above. He joined her on this day 2006. Now Grandpa's DAY was a tribute, he received a 21 gun shot salute, he was surrounded by Military doing their duties to preserve his time he spent on this Earth. Although this day was of both times, I am proud they chose a day to be united together during a time We call Memorial Day.

Another fish story

Mourning Day

The picture(s)posted are from a scrapbook circle journal swap I participated in.CLICK on the picture

Today is the anniversary of the death of two special people...My GRANDPARENTS. The parents to my Dad. It was 4 years ago. When I found out I kept thinking This cant be...I started walking in circles what to do, over and over, I freaked out hubby WASNT NICE(we had been talking divorce at that point and this wasnt what I needed) He wasnt supportive at all, I literally lost it and was shaking and trying to leave. MY GRANDMA WAS NEVER TO DIE!!!! She was so caring very healthy.

Now 2 yrs after Granma's passing Grandpa decided it was time for him to go to the good man above, he said. Grandpa suffer from ALZHEIMERS and DEMENTIA. From time to time he thought Grandma was just at the store or was visiting friends. He sometimes thought he was still in the service and didnt know what was going on. My Dad had took upon the duty of caretaker for him, after my Aunt went bizerk and walked out. So my daddy to the rescue, he tried his best. Well I remember getting the phone call that I should go see gpa because he is getting worse. Ya I guess that is true. He was bed ridded, never to walk anymore, his mind barely there he stopped gettin up to go to the bathroom on his own. He just lie there peacefully. Well everybody had come and gone over the weeks to say goodbye.
On the morning of May 20th, 2006 I stopped by Granma's grave and I cried to her to take Grandpa, he's ready to come home. He needs you. I either went over that morning to visit gpa or went home but later that night at 8:30 or something it was cloudy, cool breeze and weird feeling in the air...My Dad calls to say Gpa's gone...I was so restless before the call. SO I said I'll come over. I get there and the feeling was so calm, empty but yet peaceful. I hear my dad talking to hospice and funeral people in the back. I shed a small tear or two for this was different. Dad walked out and said hi sis. Hi daddy I said. He said come on he wanted me to say bye...I was hesitate but dad said no he's at peace. So I walked back to see him. I said I love you gpa and just told gma thanks. It was nicer than I could have even thought. He got his wish..to pass in his own home and bed.

I have their shrine in a small corner of my bathroom. I live with them everyday. RIP Grandma and Grandpa Stout.

Long Time since last post

I dont even remember all that has been going on. Let's 9DD lost a tooth. Hubby made a 200.00 mistake in a scam. He feels really bad and embarrassed. I have been really worn out, 15DD has been working hard in school.We found a mice nest in my AC/Heater fan. I tried helping my dad find a rental place to live. Sayble got spade, and got an infection, She is better now.

Today is Mother's Day and It will be low key as usually. Hubby things food is what I want but I cant eat the stuff he makes unless he want me dead? LOL Well I know my day will still be good.

4-19-08 When did this happen

GOSH I am so behind.I guess I have been busy cleaning and running errrands.Easter was good and boring. But we ate great. yum Then Hubby took 9DD fishing and caught some fish. She caught a 3pounder All on her own no help. It was nice. She brought it home. So since then she has been wanting to go again. Hopefully the weekend.

Friday a friend/customer came over for a stamp over. We were so tire but still stamped until 3am. Up and stamped some more. I think I am still recovering.

Well I dont like this heat at all. Very annoying it is SPRING not summer.
Well I hope thi week the house stays cleaned beacause I'm tired of cleaning. It hurts. I hope to make some cards with my news stuff this week.

My Hubby is hater

s feeling down, depressed, I think hubby is mad at me or hates me. I should be use to it, but gosh darn it. I'm tired of not having real life outside the home. So what I'm A.D.D, so what I am not a miracle housecleaner. UhhI am so underappreciated. Him and his fishing...Oh bUT when it comes down to it....doesn he help me with anything NO!. Hey I give up on do my things around here. He acts like life would be sooo much better with out me YA RIGHT! I have been in tears while doing cards how pathetic. I am listening the Yahoo's Launchcast Hair Flare...so some songs are bringing back old memories too. Where are my Friends I use to know. Jena? Darbie moved, oh wow only two. I feel so pathetic right now. Good thing my psych. appt is Thursday!

Glad it is Spring Break

but these people are driving me more insane. Hubby is now moody and crabby. I think because the weather change and the full moon coming Thursday....He cycles with the moon. 9DD is being a pest but is still good for now. She is trying her best. I thought more stuff would be getting done around here but no.Well I got cards done and still working on some. I cant post because I stole the idea and dont want to get shot even though I change some things. Oh well. I am debating on calling my mom back. She called while I was out but do I want the drama? Probably not since my dad called me a couples days DRUNK to give me his cell phone number. He called my brother early before he started, me when he was drunk and at a friends house whatever...I at the end of conversation said well I can see you have been drinking so you better becareful...his words were oh I'm not going anywhere, not til tomorrow. SO He copped to it. THAT ASS. I am sick of his lies. 1 month ago oh I aint drinking. He is now that much closer to death. I am tired of this. I'm wondering how much to the end now, plus he got his back pay for disability he's is drinking and partying away to his leech friends. Losers. I am drained from family.

This is my very own idea. Which is rare for me. LOL :)

Uhh these are crazy

Let see, Hubby is annoying me with fishing fishing fishing. The car cost 800.00 to fix, I am stressed overwhelmed, lack of energy and really get so sick of taking kids to school. My only outlet finalyy was Stamp Club night, I didnt even get the vard finished to show the gals. Well it turns out the other gal never showed. But that's okay but I am so glad that Spring Break is here. I can take so time to chill out hopefully. I am trying to stamp well I did, but I need to clean the house too. How can I do that. Oh and then Thursday 4-2-08 I get an email, from 9DD's school that there is an outbreak of hand Foot and Mouth case in the K/1 room....OHH great then DD tells me that she heard the prinicpal say there is measles. MEASLES are you _______ kidding ME!! SO now I am think huh, an email but not a notice about measles wth. SO I have deal with that worry. YES my kids are fully vaccinated but th HFIM...the classes borrow, share and eat in same places. Well I didnt confirm the measles but DD is pretty sure. Well I kept her home Friday, then 15DD woke up and said her throat hurts and she feels congested or full headed....okay...so another kid home sick this time she slept on and off for the day. Saturday she was worse. Last night I told her to take some Motrin and throat spray, drops etc. We figured tonsilitis or strep I looked in her mouth it looks like tonsilitis...I see puss like I use to get before had those ripped out. So Today took her to Urgent care YEP she has that and/or + test for strep. YIKES so she is on antibiotics. Oh what a week, life and day.

Fed Up

with my 3rd grade daughter. She is so defiant and wont take her meds. Sick of it being a fight She knows how to push my buttons. She claims she had her migraine this morning. How can I fight that? So she took her Advil for kids and fell back to sleep and missed school. She acts fine for now. Guess she wont see her friend this weekend. This really stresses me out, but not as bad as when I had to go throught this with older daughter. Just hope there is light at the end with this kid.

Photo tag

•Open your photo folder on your computer
•Open the 6th folder of photos
•Select the 6th picture
•Post the picture on your blog with a description
•Invite six friends to join the challenge
•Link your six friends to your blog post

Mine is Sept. 11, 2006. At out State Fair Grounds They had a special Memorial set. The picture is a drawing, someone did of a couple looking at a Pentagon Tribute. E stone wit names and Pentagon.

I DO NOT know how to get the picture here.

Happy St. Patrick's Day

I love this Day. Love eating corned beef and cabbage. This day alwasys reminds me of my Grandma Stout. Oh how I miss her so much. I wish I knew more of our heritage. I m sure some day I will.

I made 1 card and I didnt liek it. Last year I made them and mailed this out.So much has been going on this year so I guess I should make some in Summer and keep them handy.

Kids!!! etc

This is getting out of control. These wont get up for school, I have to be at my counseling appt. at 10am it takes 1h 15min. to get there. I have to drop both these kids off one up hill 20min away, and the other down hill another 20min each way as well. THE ONLY reason I have to do this is becasue the bus times dont work with 2 different schools. They both are charter schools as well. SO anyway. The girls whinned and squirmed. The 9DD gave me me grief than normal. So after poking and pulling covers off, they get up and I was sooo frustrated. So As I finally got the kids where they need to be, I called my lady andtold her I am not making it by 10 because of the kids, I am still DRIVING down there for errands and I am hoping there will be a 11am cancellation.....WELL as I was in Wheatland half way there or less, SHE CALLED and said Keep coming htere is a cancellation at 11am... YES! It worked out. So I told her all that is going on. After that I got My hair cut..it has been 4months.At SUpercuts I gave a tip, when to pay, and the CC had issues, the termianl thingy, the lady had to call to see if I got doubled charged or what? Well She told me to leave if it shows the charge then fine but If I didnt get charged then I got a free cut. So We will see. So I get home. Husband asked 9DD if she wanted to go fishing i said NO SHE IS GROUNDED!. He asked why and she told him, then I re-explained it. So as I'm typing this my BROTHER Yahoo IM me and said..he's gone sis and I hurt so bad inside" OH MY gosh I knew my furry nephew dog has been put down. He's the brother of my furry daughter this june they would be 12yr. Elway has been through so much. I started crying and crying. I loved that dog he was a good dog. When my brother was in jail I took Elway from my Dad's for a week. I loved it. SO now I am upset and distraught.

WHY I DONT SPEAK to my family

First of love to thank them all for all the freakin SUPPORT they never gave in anything. NOW just because WE have over the years better ourselves doesnt mean that gives you the right to think that we didnt need your help when buiding our home! When we asked and you said yes, OF COURSE I would love to drywall your house call me ahead of time so I know, SO WE DID, then all of sudden you couldnt make it. I know the real reason because smokin your F'ing Dope and living like a reclused loser up in Tahoe made you feel like you were better up there than here. SO after that we had to find so other piece of crap person who kept coming out to see if the house was ready and if we need him to do...Well So not knowing him we were dumb enough to use a "local" to do the job it was the worst JOB I ever seen he too probably was on dope! SO in tears I had to call MY DAD to come look at this. Thank you Brother ya So I get him down here of course not much can get done when there is drinking to be done right? Well He did do a good job but not without an issue with my husband later to come. So Now it is 2yrs later and we hardly heard from you, only seen you Thanksgiving 07 and you werent INVITED. BUTTTT OHHH Mommy had to get her boy here. So Mommy and Daddy Invited you Too my house last minute, and NOW you tell my husband over this last weekend you felt like sitting in the car, nobody gave you the time of day! YOU poor pathetic ASS. So My hubby tells me while he was up there getting the FREE boat and trailor that you dont even feel like giving it to him now. WTF you little....And my husband tells you that you did let him down for the helping on the house thing, and you then decided to say "why didnt you man up and tell me then? RU KIDDING ME We did you dope. Especially me remember when I told you to get off your high ass mountain and step in to the real world?? I told you, you were a mamas boy who doesnt how to be a real person. Ya I know you call me a Bitch and lots of really hurtful words that I dont even want to repeat but oh well. I know you have ANGER issues, split personalities and such. So is this how you are gonna do my husband? He drives all the way up there for this boat, you give him hell, he's ready to WHOOP your ASS, You tell him you will give him the title to trailor later? Is this another one of MOM's head games, if sooo We can do without. My husband gave you many chances in ourlives and you are always a disappointment. He told me he seen your face change red, your attitude heating up, and you saying Dad is still upset for their scuffle with the dry wall all over the garage floor and window. Whatever. Roll the title and smoke it we can bring it all back so you dont have to cry about.You said you will GIVE it to us and then 2.5hrs drive later Oh I dont even want to give it to you. YOU havent changed one bit for a 32 on Wed. This is why I cant stand talking to my family, doublecrossing, deceipt, lies, mental games. UHHH Glad my mom did move away or she'd right there in on it. Oh ya she couldnt handle pressures in life she always up and leaves, She has left so many times since 1995. Her latest she moved BACK to Louisiana YUKK she's living where she grew up in the incestual backwoods. My KIDS and I will never go there. My Dad ya he'll side to whoever he's see fit, I hope he is drunk. He says he's done but he's be done 500 times before. He is dying and in pain so It is probably the truth. It is a sad sad life in a soap opera world for me But ya know I am proud of myself and MY family we have done lots. My Husband and I have come a long way without family! There everybody in a med. nutshell. Ya There is bigger ones in this family! LOL On Meds and doing great Tahh Tahh For Now.

test

Testing this dumb thing out